Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
