I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
