My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
