I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
