i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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