oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
