Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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