Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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