I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
