My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
