If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
