I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
