Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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