he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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