clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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