Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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