Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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