I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
