I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
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He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
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Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
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