I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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