So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
