When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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