why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
