I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
