He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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