Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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