Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
there is puke in my bra ... again
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
