I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I forget how to act sober
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