I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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