piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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