When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
