im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
