Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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