i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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