ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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