So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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