Non-Jews are for practice
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I faked an abortion last night.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
