Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
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He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
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exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."