I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
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Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
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I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?