she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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