Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
