i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
