She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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