So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
