I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
