i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
