If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
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Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Oh god it's open bar.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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