Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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