Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
