I can tuck mytits in my pants
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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