Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
