My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
